Today I lay on bed.

Today I lay on bed, staring at the ceiling.

Today I lay on bed, asking,

"Why is my life in such a wrecked up state?"

Firstly, I shall start off with a cordial greeting to everyone who even bothers to read this humble post of mine. It's been ages; probably an eternity since I last updated this blog. I hasn't even the slightest desire to update, till probably, today. I was a little messed up.

Today's the last day of school for the Year 2009. I would have to say 2009 has been an enriching year for me. I feel I've grown, I feel I've come to terms as to the fact about "flawed humans", I've come to deepen my obsession with English and Literature, and I've also been able to experience things I'd rarely have the chance to. Would I say it has been a great year in school and so forth? Probably. It's a hard tie, a 50-50.

In School:

1) I had to get used to aggravations.

I never expected that it would all happen all over again. I don't fathom why there are always beings out there who see me as a "worthy human". Even if I sat there the whole day, I could barely finish listing all my negative points. Am I pretty? Heck no. Am I slim? Heck no. Do I have a good brain? Heck no. Am I good in sports? Heck no. Am I good in Maths or Science? Heck no. Am I a fun and friendly person? Heck no. Do I make the right choices in life? Heck no. Maybe, yes, indeed, I am someone with qualities that people look up to, but other than that, I'm comparable to nothing than a pile of dust that people can easily blow off and forget about. So, sometimes, when I hear of those kind of incidents that would aggravate me, I'd start wondering why. Why. Why me?

2) No CCA

Well, as expected, this tiring and bothersome problem has been on my list for ages. And I don't blame it on no one but myself. All these accumulated problem... All these mountains of obstacles... They were left there to add by myself. I left the thing alone, due to all my personal difficulties... Such as overwhelming fear, unwilling-ness to face the problem, and everything resulted in my 'today'. A 'today' where I'm still left helpless and desperate, hoping for a better future but unsure of what to do next. Sometimes, I hate myself as an individual. No one is born perfect. And people always hate themselves for what they lack in. So do I, unfortunately. Now I'm left, in pitch darkness, groping my way around, facing the terrifying aftermath all by myself. I have friends, I have family, but they can't be able to help me in everything. Their light that they exude is equivalent to a firefly in pure darkness- helpful yet insignificant.

3) Growth in Personality

I revelled in the thoughts of my growth as a person. As a human being. As a person still keen on living on in this harsh and acrid world. Maybe a year ago, I was still someone even quieter and less confident than who I am today. But right now, I think, I'm more confident, and I never felt as fraught with as I used to when during presentations. I might still be nervous and fidgety, but I was definitely much more confident in delivering my speeches and feeling more comfortable speaking up. It's a good sign. Also, I'm becoming too positive in these 2 years. Something I find astounding. And I repeat, and also highlight, "TOO". I'm so positive that I'm always so cheerful. I seem to have found a motto for myself. I want to be someone who always can keep his/her smile on at all times. I LOVE to smile. Though sometimes, I find it hard to.

And either way, speaking of schools, I received a Distinction for Writing! Pretty awesome, huh? xDDDDD I was laughing so hard when I saw my name in the Swiss Peaks. Distinction is good enough... But as compared to those who got high distinction... You'd feel really embarrassed, wouldn't you? Not doing as good. I mean, I didn't even get a thing for English. LOL. I must have failed pretty epic-ly. :P

And today, 29 October should be one hell of a day. I woke up remembering I had my CCA to deal with. Instant mood-drowner. I went to school, and saw Serene at the bus stop just beside my block. I boarded the bus real soon, and at the next stop, saw a frantic Xiaowei rushing to catch this bus. She boarded it, and I waved at her when she spotted me. She started to smile at me, and I smiled back, though I felt that was pretty fake. I was, after all, worrying about my CCA to be having so much other ounces of energy to smile back radiantly.

I went into class and bla bla bla. And once again, I failed to see the time. I was too engrossed collecting the Reading Survey that I found suddenly on my table. And then I was looking around, and all of a sudden Jun Rong switched off the lights and I jumped. And I was "OH MY GOD! I MISSED AGAIN!" real loud. So well, Jun Rong ushered everyone out of the classroom and I simply went out.

Went for assembly and heard my name announced for getting distinction for writing. I was a little disappointed. I had high hopes pinned for myself after all. But I guess my writing is still not up to standard as of now. I'm going to work doubly hard during the holidays, not forgetting that I still have my maths to brush up on. I went and saw Ms Povan, though I'm not sure that I got back my certificate because a bunch of 2E2 guys took it away and I was more concerned about something I had to get from the staff room than to bother about them who were marvelling and laughing at the certificates.

Afterwards, in class, Ms Rina returned us our report books. That was when things started. I was pretty busy. Running about and stuff. I like my duty as a vice-chair, but sometimes it gets really tiring! So I just ran about, worrying about different stuffs, trying to remember things, hoping they were correct and in order. But apparently, I really have a short-term based memory. And afterwards, after sitting around for the foyer for a long time, we finally got to get onto the bus that finally sent us to our destination. Along the way, I felt sick. Well, it was motion sickness. Thank god there were Jiamin's butterscotch sweets to keep me alive.

Went to the Victoria Theatre and we began our day. The first few checkpoints were pretty okay, but when we reached one, one memorial, I began to sweat a lot. And after walking a longer while, I was totally exhausted. I really couldn't stand the heat, and I was practically just suffering from dehydration pretty bad. There wasn't even a whistle of wind, damn it! So we went around, completed everything and finally went on the boat ride. It was really slow, but well, it was relaxing just to see the waters and just be with your friends, for perhaps, the last time EVER. To go on a field trip like this as classmates, as friends, as people who are in your life.

I was pretty worried the clumsy me would probably topple off the boat and fall into the waters LOL when boarding and alighting the boat, but apparently, my worries were unfounded as I'm dry and in one piece.

Afterwards, we finally could head back to school. FINALLY. We went and waited. Along the way, we took several photos. One of the class, where I knew I was just being stupid and one of the clique. Memories. The only things that would stay with you no matter where you are. We waited for quite a few minutes for the bus to arrive, but apparently it never did. When it did, however, we had to watch 2E1, who came later than us, board that bus. Forget it. So the next bus came minutes later and I really rushed over to it.

We returned and amidst the bus ride, we were informed that we received the Third Prize for this Learning Journey. Wasn't that bad, though we could have done better if not for some stupid Question 2 holding us back. xD We returned, and Ms Rina passed out the booklist along with the Maths WS, and I groaned. No... MATHS!!

And afterwards, everyone dispersed to look at our class. When I went over, many people were hugging, cheering and doing hi-fives with one another. I looked at the board of all the pieces of papers. By then, I heard Jiamin and Amanda were in the same class. 3E3. I quickly took a look at the paper below to find my name when I couldn't find mine in 3E3's paper. And real enough, I found my name. I just kept quiet, not showing any emotion. However, remembering that I had to look out for someone's name, I started to look at it even more keenly. And this caused Jiamin and Jerome to call out to me telling me I was in 3E4. I wasn't even concerned about that. That someone... Was in the same class! I GROANED REAL LOUD. More importantly, another 2 someone were in the same class! All I knew at the time was to keep it to myself and sigh afterwards. Fate was after all, an evil pathmaker.

Some people at this point began crying.

I stared at the board. And I looked back at the class.

There were some things you had to leave behind.

There were some things you get to keep.

It felt like a trade. Like we are doing a business with God from above.

I might not be in the same class as all my friends.

I might not be in a class with people I know really well.

But I guess it didn't matter. I'm glad to have met everyone in 2E3.

In spite of everything, I know I would miss everyone of us in the same class. The exclusion of anyone in 2E3 would always make me feel empty. It's as if everyone holds a place in our class. I mean, to really go and think about it. Everyone is different. Everyone is unique. It is every single one of us in the Class 2E3 of 2009 that really defined 2E3. Without Huiyun and gang, there might not have been laughter in class. Without Kasyfil as well. Without Hwee Ping and Peiling, we wouldn't have anything much to marvel at. Without Jiamin, there might have not been any screaming in class that'd make you go, "... What...?"

In times like these, I'd have wished the tears would come on their own. The thought of the disappearing faces. The thought about the distancing backs. The thoughts about blurring images of my past.

But I'm not waiting for them to come out.

It was all life.

I've grown used to all the torments and daunting fears they throw at our feet that at times like this, I refuse to lift the white flag.

2) In Personal Life

As you all know, I'm actually pretty 'renowned' in the class for having dozens of online buddies. I wouldn't deny that. I DO have several buddies online. After all, many people find it easier expressing themselves on the Internet than in real life. Also, on the cyber world, you can hide behind a veil of mystery, getting other people to guess about your identity instead, and there wouldn't be much of a judging. (Unless of course you post your photos up on the net...)

It was actually this year that the numbers really went on the rise. Now I have perhaps more than 40 peers online, whom I chat on the MSN every single day, both male and female. They are all a bunch of cool people. And just in case you don't know, I found myself a 'twin'. She's TOTALLY just like me. I really adore her as a person. It's as if we can just understand without really asking each other. It's because it's just as good as talking to yourself. I still remember the times I did the presention on Emma for my Everyday Community Hero and everyone was thinking she was someone I made up. Oh please. I really know her. It's up to you to believe!

Of course, as one of you might clearly be in the know of, I actually have a really special friend that I really like. Hopefully not in terms of crush affection- because that'd be totally detrimental, with him being a guy. It's not really surprising that I have a really good friend and he's a guy, is it? And oops, forgetting to add, I find him handsome. xDDDD

A lot of things happened between me and him. It was both cool and the opposite as well. Shan't touch on it so much.

P.S, to my future self, I GOT MY DS!!!!!!!!!!! ON 19th OCTOBER 2009!! FINALLY! FINALLY! HIDORIKAWA-KUN!! PLEASE! PLEASE! YOUR VOICE!!!! *switches on fangirl mode to FULL* AHHHHHHH! You are forever the dazzling prince in my eyes. Listening to you on DS makes me even more ecstatic. Please, please, don't turn your head the other way, don't reject my intimate acts (xP) I just need you to be cool, and be you, and give me the chance and time to waddle into your heart.

P.S.S, to my future self, if you ever read this again, I hope your life is still great. If you are ever going to give up, please read this. Find your own motivation to keep moving on. You can't keep on living like this forever, so you HAVE to do something about it. So go. If you ever feel like quitting, see this. And remember of the day, 29 October 2009, the day you made the pact that you'd strive on no matter what. There is no way out anymore.

HALF OF THE POST WAS DEDICATED TO 2E3 2009 SWISS COTTAGE SECONDARY SCHOOL.

I hope the memories were fond enough for you to remember every soul that ever existed within the walls of the 2E3 classroom. I wish every single one of you the best of luck, the best of luck for the year ahead and the best of luck for the upcoming new year away from your friends.

Everyone is just growing up.